


In the dungeons of the Woodland Realm

by mjeanuniverse



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Mirkwood, Oral Sex, Uncle/Nephew relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 04:37:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3882583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mjeanuniverse/pseuds/mjeanuniverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After having been imprisoned for a month in the Thranduil's dungeons of the Woodland Realm, Thorin has lost it.  The dwarf king loves his youngest nephew like a son, but only his blonde heir can help with this situation.  Balin instructs Bilbo to get Fili and bring him to the Thorin's cell.  Bilbo wonders just what the hell that will accomplish.  He gets his answer in a demonstration with Balin's running commentary to accompany it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the dungeons of the Woodland Realm

**Author's Note:**

> Snicker- here is a funny, (I mean it to be funny anyway) one-shot offering to give another possible scenario why Thorin is different with his two nephews.

In the depths of the Woodland Realm’s stronghold deep in Mirkwood, Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit from Bag End of the Shire, ponders why the fearless leader of their little company, the mighty and fearsome Thorin Oakenshield, has been reduced a shaking mess, shivering and frankly, just plain spasing out on the dirty, stone floor of his cell in the dungeons of the wood elf king, Thranduil. 

A hiss from Thorin’s most trusted advisor, the white haired with a long flowing white beard, Balin, makes Bilbo tear his wide eyes from the spectacle of the dwarf king. 

‘Bilbo!’ Once Balin has Bilbo’s undivided attention, he lowers his voice considerably so that the hobbit must go over to the bars of Balin’s cell to hear the words the old dwarf speaks next.

‘Is there ANY way to get Fili out of his cell and into Thorin’s?’ 

Taken aback by the question, Bilbo hesitates before sniffing, ‘I must say, I hardly think that will do a lick of good for whatever is ailing the king, frankly.’ 

Balin, who does NOT have time for foppy little hobbits who THINK they know what the fuck is wrong with Thorin AND has the gall to speak to him in such a dismissive tone, snaps, ‘GET FILI!’

Once again taken aback but sufficiently cowed, Bilbo does in fact have a way to get Fili out of his cell and into Thorin’s, but he cannot image what that would accomplish aside from A. risking getting caught by the elven guards, B. undoubtedly, putting Fili in danger as Thorin, never the most stable and pleasant dwarf in the best of times, seems just plain unhinged at the moment after the company has been imprisoned by that fuckwit Thranduil for several weeks now. The hobbit thinks, honestly, who has platinum blonde hair with dark brown eyebrows AND wears such a ridiculous crown of dried twigs with a silver dress? Fuck, he looks like one of the Gabor sisters in drag. 

Opening his mouth to argue, Balin levels such a glare at the hobbit, it could quite possibly cut diamonds. Bilbo is well acquainted with Balin’s brother, Dwalin’s, frequent and hostile death glares, especially after the troll incident, but really, old, sweet Balin? Well, fuck then, Bilbo huffs and goes to find the Keeper of the Keys. If he stomps his furry little feet in the process, it is because he is tired of being the fucking gopher for this company of strange dwarves. 

After gently lifting the keys from the belt of the Keeper of the Keys, as that particular elf guard has once again drunk himself into a stupor in the underground river loading dock of the Woodland Realm. Bilbo thinks sourly, now if just all the other damn elven guards would do the same thing AT the same time, he could possibly get the damn dwarves and himself out of this hole, but to date they have not done so. Bilbo has caught wind of talk about some upcoming Festival of Starlight, maybe in a month or two. It sounds big as all the elves are talking about it and A LOT of food and wine is being stockpiled for said event. Mayhap there is a real possibility to put his brilliant plan into action then. 

Bilbo goes over his plan in his head again as he slips back into the cell block holding the dwarves. When he comes to the blonde crown prince, Fili’s, cell, he peers inside to see the young dwarf sitting in the far corner. Shaking the keys to get his attention, Bilbo gestures for Fili to come to the door. To say that FIli is surprised to see the company’s burglar with the KEYS would be an understatement. 

Scrambling to his feet, Fili rushes to the cell door. ‘Have you found a way out, Bilbo? You are a treasure, you are!’ 

‘Well, no.’ Bilbo answers and hates to see the young dwarf’s bright and dimpled smile waver. ‘WE are not leaving. Yet, that is. No, Balin seems to think YOU can help Thorin as he is….he is in quite a state.’ At Fili's look of confusion, Bilbo explains further, ‘Balin has instructed me to fetch you from your cell and take you to Thorin’s cell to accomplish what? I have NO idea.’ 

The knowing smile that returns to Fili’s handsome face and the smug nod of his blonde head just chaps Bilbo to no end. So apparently, the crown prince knows precisely the reason for the summons to the king’s cell, but does he divulge that information to the one who makes whatever little plan Balin has possible? Noooooo. He does NOT. Fuck these damn dwarves Bilbo thinks for what must be the hundredth time since they darkened his doorstep those long months ago. 

Bilbo watchs Fili fairly skip down the cell block to THorin’s cell. As the other dwarves look up, startled to see the little blonde glide by their cells, free as a lark and then to see their burglar stomping his little hairy feet behind him. 

‘What the hell is all this about?’ Demands a very irate Dwalin with death glare in full effect, and the some of the other dwarves grumble similar sentiments. 

‘Thorin needs Fili.’ Is the brusque reply from the bald dwarf’s brother which quiets all the muttering instantly. 

‘Oh, he’s bad off, huh?’ 

‘In the worst way, brother, in the very worst way. Nothing Fili cannot fix.’ 

‘Alright! How in the name of all the Valar can Fili FIX Thorin?’ Bilbo demands. Silence. Nada. ‘Oh come now, I am PART of this company. I signed the damn contract! I want to know HOW Fili can FIX Thorin as your good King is WRITHING on the floor at the moment! And if I don’t get an answer, you lot can get YOURSELFS out of this dungeon WITHOUT me.’ 

‘Furry footed little fuck has got some balls on him, I’ll say that for him.’ Dwalin mutters in grudging admiration. 

‘That he has!’ Gloin seconds his cousin, laughing quietly. ‘Do you reckon his little balls are just as furried as his feet?’ 

‘Just open the door.’ whines Fili. 

‘Just open the door.’ Mimics his brother, Kili, in a petulant voice. Kili is the only dwarf who had retreated to the back of his cell once it was clear that Fili was to be put into Thorin’s cell. He sits on the floor with his arms crossed and his signature scowl on his face. Damn the lad has some fearsome eyebrows on him! 

‘Jealous, brother?’ Fili teases smugly over his shoulder as he slowly approaches the door of the cell which holds their uncle. 

‘Asshole.’ Kili gripes, his brows lowering even further. Frankly Bilbo did not think that was EVEN possible and is too preoccupied with wondering about Kili’s eyebrows to see what Fili is doing. 

‘Uncle? Uncle, I’m here.’ Fili calls softly to the writhing, twitching mass on the floor, and the blonde stands next to the door on the opposite side of said bars of Thorin’s cell. Bilbo, who is still marveling at Kili’s truly awesome scowl, does not see the chubby, dwarven hand as it pushes the long, dark hair shot with gray away from the regal face of Thorin Oakenshield. It only when the dwarven king crashes against the bars as he tries to get to his blonde heir, does Bilbo tear his eyes from the dark haired prince. 

‘Shush, hush…I’m here. Mister Baggins will let me in and it will be alright. I’m here, now.’ Fili murmurs to his uncle as if Thorin was a toddler and NOT a one hundred and ninety two year old dwarven KING.

‘Nope, not letting you in until you tell WHAT THE FUCK is going ON!’ Bilbo demands hotly, stomping his hairy foot to emphasize his point. 

Fili gives the hobbit a distainful look not unsimilar to the look that Thorin gave Bilbo when the king first stepped foot into Bag End, but he says nothing, just slides to his knees in front of his uncle and deftly unties the laces of Thorin’s breeches. 

Bilbo watches in horrified amazement as Fili draws out the LARGEST Valar-damned erection the hobbit has EVER seen. Angry, reddish purple, heavily veined, a good ten inches long and massively thick, Thorin’s cock befits a king in every way. 

Giving the little hobbit a self- satisfied smirk to tell Bilbo just how far he can shove his fucking demands, his furry feet, and his Aule damned keys, Fili flicks his wicked little tongue out to swipe across Thorin’s cockhead while keeping his eyes fixed on Bilbo’s horrified countenance. A chorus of groans and moans arise from all the dwarves, not just Thorin, but his is, by far, the deepest and most guttural. 

Once he finds his voice, Bilbo squeaks, ‘Uh….so they engage in….carnal relations? With each other?’ 

‘Well, that’s one way to put, Mister Baggins.’ Balin says wryly. 

‘Fucks the lad into the mattress when the need hits him.’ Oin supplies in the bland, nonjudgmental tone only a medical professional can. 

‘So this need has hit Thorin, then? That is why he was rolling around on the FLOOR?’ Bilbo feels like he is wading through thigh high murky water along an uneven lake bottom, blindfolded.

‘Oh, hit him like a ton of stone. He NEEDs the little laddie alright.’ Balin says softly looking between Fili’s working mouth and THorin’s face which is slack jawed with his head hrown back in pleasure, all writhing and twitching has ceased. 

‘He needs Fili? I see, I think. ’ Bilbo falters. He is wholly unaccustomed to uncles and nephews doing THAT, but shit, dwarves are dwarves. They are different he supposes. 

‘Aye, only Fili.’ 

‘And not Kili? That is why Kili is jealous? What with the eyebrow thing and all going on?’ 

‘Oh no, Thorin loves Kili mightly, coddles and indules him like he would his own son. As for Fili,…. well, Thorin has always treated the lad more at arms -length, cold and distant really. Until the lad came of age, then Thorin took him to his bed. We suspect it may be the golden hair. ’ Balin answers sagely. 

Thorin’s grunts as his climaxes down Fili’s throat drawing Bilbo and Balin away from their conversation. His thick fingers tangle in the lad’s blonde hair, tugging wilding as his hips buck. Fili is forced to push back against the bars of the cell with his hands to keep Thorin from breaking his very awesome nose against the cold metal. 

Heaving a huge sigh of relief, Thorin releases Fili’s head. Cupping his sister-son’s cheek with his hand, Thorin smiles down at his blonde nephew fondly. Bilbo realizes with a start that it is the FIRST and ONLY time he has seen Thorin smile at Fili or touch him in any way. Fili gazes lovingly back up into his uncle’s blue eyes. 

Fucking weird dwarves and their strange, secretive ways , Bilbo thinks.


End file.
